Scarecrows and Corndogs

10 new jokes a week. Just for you.

Welcome to my comedy substack of mayhem! Every week I’ll be sharing 10 brand new jokes that have never been performed on stage. I’d absolutely love your feedback, so please leave comments! Help me craft my next silly and weird comedy special and CD! Embrace your inner squirrel. Love you and thank you for reading.

THE JOKES:

Some people live each day like it’s their last. 
But I live each day like it’s my first.
Just lots of napping and crying.
And drinking breast milk.

What does a fashion designer call a scarecrow?
A crop top.

Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.
But it’s also the scientific method.
So you’re not crazy.
You’re a scientist.

How I explained my anxiety level to my doctor:
It’s like I’m on the show Naked and Afraid, but I have clothes on. And I’m not in the woods. 
Doctor: so you’re just afraid?
Me: yes.

I’m not a social butterfly.
I’m a social caterpillar.
I eat as much food as I can then wrap myself up in all the coats.

Don’t want to brag, but I dyed my hair blue and a stranger thought I was a vegan.
Before I dyed my hair I totally looked like I ate meat. Not like steaks and stuff. But like yeah. I definitely looked like I ate corndogs.

Me: So cute! I wish they made Barbie clothes for people!
Niece: You mean clothes?
Me: No… (I’m an idiot)

If you haven’t taken a shower in a long enough time, it looks like you just took a shower.

Tell me you like to gamble without telling me you like to gamble:
I just bought a puzzle from a thrift store.

Thinking about weighted blankets gives me anxiety