From Duels to Snooze Fests

10 brand new jokes from comedian Andy Erikson!

Oh no! I forgot to write my blog post for this week! I’m typing this now in a TOTAL PANIC!!!! Okay. No time to dilly dally. My fans need there 10 JOKES a WEEK!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! And a picture of how someone weird eats a pancake! AHHHHHH!!!! WHY ARE WE SCREAMING???? AHHHHHHHHH!!!! (No escape.)

Wouldn’t that be weird if that’s how I ate pancakes? So weird. ha. ha…. anyway. AHHHH here are some jokes:

10 NEW JOKES RIGHT HERE:

Proposing to someone on the Jumbotron is so hackey and over done. That's why at the next sporting event I go to, I’m going to challenge someone to a duel. Just whoever is sitting next to me. I'll pull out a sword and just start slicing away! Then I'll prob still kiss them. I mean. Why not? Free kiss!

Ways to get me to go to the gym
Add cats.
If 24 hour fitness had 24 hours of cat-ness I would be all up in that gym.

Olive Garden.
When you’re here, I’m making you help out in the garden.
Go de-pit some olives.
Come on stop standing around. Do you have any idea how hard it is to maintain a garden that’s just olives?
Well it’s hard. And it’s a very weird occupation to be in.
(Puts olives on every finger and makes monster noises)

I just learned the phrase “today was leg day” and I’m getting a pretty good response when I say it!
Not sure what it means. I just eat the legs off a rotisserie chicken and I think that counts.

Typical woman at the beach:
“Take a picture of me by the waves, I want to look like a model!”
Me at the beach:
“Take a picture of me in those bushes. I want to look like a Pokémon!”

Do you ever send yourself a text message then get excited that you got a text?
Then super disappointed when you realize it’s just you?

I like to enter contests where the prize includes a trip to Los Angeles.
That way if I win I can be like, “No thanks. I already live here. Send me to BOISE IDAHO!”

When I put on lotion at night I call it moonscreen.

I always panic whenever someone asks what my favorite food is.
In my head I’m like “Don’t say sprinkles. Don’t say sprinkles. Don’t say sprinkles.”
And then I proclaim “Definitely gotta be risotto.”
And I don’t even know what risotto is. But you bet your ass when I say risotto I get adult points.
I’m saving up my adult points to get a mattress topper for the guest room!
(There is no guest room)

A “snooze fest” actually sounds like a pretty epic time. Like a sleep festival?! A festival with sleeping in?! Sign me up!

NOW CHECK OUT MY ONLINE COMEDY WRITING GROUP!

Are you an aspiring comedian? Or an uninspiring comedian? WELL! I’ve started a standup comedy writing group called The Squirrel Club Agenda! We meet every Tuesday on Zoom to write and share jokes and hang. It’s pretty dang fun. To learn more, join an online writing meetup and/or support the cause, check it out here! I would love love love your support or attendance!

https://patreon.com/TheSquirrelClubAgenda

And speaking of cool stuff, here are my upcoming comedy shows!

UPCOMING SHOWS:

LOS ANGELES, CA
Burbank Comedy Fest - August 10th and 13th

SAN DIEGO, CA
Comedy Heights, San Diego - Aug 30-31

LOS ANGELES, CA
Trigger Warning - Sep 14th

MINNESOTA
Various gigs, Minneapolis - Sep 26-28

WISCONSIN
The Plus, Eau Claire, WI - Sep 29

LOS ANGELES, CA
Jokeback Mountain - Nov 16th

MINNESOTA
Featuring at ACME w/ Tommy Ryman - Nov 27-30th