From Meows to Accents

10 brand new jokes from comedian Andy Erikson!

Good morning governers and those identifying as not goveners. It’s Andy Erikson here. Typing this up at 1am. Frantically working to get you all the 10 new jokes that you desperately need. Many of these I literally just typed up. Stream of conscious. One word then another. I did NOT spell check anything. If you find an error, just leave it alone. Back away. Don’t make me bite you. Thanks for understanding. Now for this week’s photo… Here are some stickers of things with butts on them. I took this photo at the laundromat on the way out and was yanked away by my husband not allowed to purchase anything that wasn’t deemed, “A necessity.” Even though, you be the judge, every one of these stickers is crucial to my survival.

And come on. That duck truck is amazing too!!!

AIGHT. It's time for some jokes. Enjoy my lil comedy friends. And thank you for any and all feedback!! You keep me going. <3

10 NEW JOKES RIGHT HERE:

I’m going to tape my next comedy special in front of an audience of all cats.
Working title: “Meow that’s what I call comedy”

There should be a reality show about internet hoarding. Where we go through people’s inboxes and make them delete old emails.
TV HOST: “Why do you still have this Burger King promo from 2014? Chicken Fries aren’t even a thing any more. I’m going to put it in the trash”
E-HOARDER: “No! I’m saving that. I might need that. 2014 was a good year for the Burger Kingdom.”
TV HOST: “Can I at least put it in the spam folder?”
E-HOARDER: “If you do anything to that Chicken Fries email, I’ll wrap the mouse cord around my neck and jump. I swear!!”
TV HOST: “Oooookay. What have I done with my life… Give me the mouse cord, just give it here-“
Cut’s to commercial: “Whopper whopper whopper” Song plays.

PLUMBER: So what’s wrong with your sink?
ME: Oh, nothing it’s just too stylish.
PLUMBER: What? Your sink is too stylish?
ME: Yeah. Look at that drip.

I love brainstorming places where bodies could go. Like why always a dirty forest? That’s obvious. Let’s put the body in the lamp section of IKEA.

I love creating drama. My goal in every relationship I have is to be talked about in their therapy sessions. I want a good 20 minutes to be spent analyzing why Andy keeps trying to convince you that your cat needs prescription sunglasses and a sombrero.

When someone does something mean to me, that I was totally aware was going to happen and not surprised at all, I call it, “getting stabbed in the front.” And honestly, I’m not convinced one is better than the other. I mean you still got stabbed. At least if you get stabbed in the back you don’t have to worry about your boobs getting poked and milk splashing everywhere. Am I right ladies?

I got a haircut and nobody noticed. Made me kind of upset. It was a noticeable amount! I snipped off like at least 3 inches of armpit hair.

There are so many commercials for gourmet dog food lately. And the one thing I’ve learned is that if you don’t feed your dog organic beef Wellington, you deserve to have you thumbs cut off and shoved up your dog hating butthole. Apparently.

A study came out recently that said women are more intelligent during their periods. So the next time your boss complains, “Whoa, are you on your period!?” You can go, “YEAH! And the capital of Norway is Oslo!”

I prefer to get my news in an Australian accent. I mean the forest fires are getting worse and the sea level is rising. But crikey it sounds pretty neat, and hold on. Yep, I’m a little turned on.

THANK YOU FOR READING! I’d love if you left a comment and let me know what jokes you liked, and if you had any tags too. Or just any thoughts. THANK YOU SO MUCH! <3

AND DON’T FORGET I HOST A COMEDY WRITING COLLECTIVE!

The Squirrel Club Agenda!

Writing Zoom hangs will now be ONCE a month! The first Sunday of the month. And the next Zoom writing hang will be Sunday, October 6, @ 7pm Pacific / 9pm Central

AND NOW I’ll also be going live on Instagram, every Tuesday @ 7pm Pacific / 9pm Central. Join in for writing prompts, silliness, and writing games.

To stay in the loop, join my mailing list!

https://mailchi.mp/2f97fdf4cf82/squirrel-club-agenda-mailing-list

You can also support my comedy adventures on Patreon, and help me start a podcast!

https://patreon.com/TheSquirrelClubAgenda

Pretty cool.

And speaking of cool stuff, here are my upcoming comedy shows!

UPCOMING SHOWS:

LOS ANGELES, CA
Pasadena Ice House - Sep 21st

MINNESOTA
Various gigs, Minneapolis - Sep 26-28

WISCONSIN
The Plus, Eau Claire, WI - Sep 29

LOS ANGELES, CA
Beef! At the Clubhouse - Oct 17th
Trigger Warning at The Glendale Room - Oct 12th
Jokeback Mountain - Nov 16th

MINNESOTA
Featuring at ACME w/ Tommy Ryman - Nov 27-30th