From Trampolines to Scrabble

10 brand new jokes from comedian Andy Erikson!

Well, it’s hot outside again. And that means that it’s hot inside again. And I guess I can’t complain because that’s exactly how some of the best lyrics in the world have ever been written. It’s hot inside, and all of a sudden you start singing “It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes…” And we wouldn’t have that song without it being warm inside, and then it getting a little bit warmer. Warm enough in fact to be called hot. Anyways, what are you going to be for Halloween this year? Here’s a picture of my Halloween costume:

Yep. I’m going to be a Black Gay Wedding for Halloween. And thankfully I found the entire costume at a Goodwill down the road! So sound off in the comments with your Halloween costumes. And share a picture if that’s a thing.

And now for some silly silly jokes!

10 NEW JOKES RIGHT HERE:

Sometimes I like to jump next to a trampoline. Just to show off.

I wonder what my cat thinks when she's sitting on me. Sometimes I think she’s like: “I’ll defend you!” But most of the time it feels like, “I own you.”

I'm not interested in a "Hall Pass" for people I'm allowed to sleep with. I'd much rather have a "Hall Pass" but for dads. Ya know, just a list of 5 men I'm allowed to ask to be my dad if I ever meet them.

The following is my current and up to date “Dad Hall Pass” list.
1. John Stewart
2. Kevin O'Connell (Coach of the Minnesota Vikings)
3. Tom Hanks
4. Jackie Chan
5. Tim the Tool Man Taylor

Whenever I take the tape measurer out of the toolbox, a wave of sadness passes over me. Because no one’s ever going to see it again.

I was FaceTiming with my nieces this past weekend, and out of the blue I hear my sister in the background say “Okay girls, I’m going to the store! Auntie Andy is in charge!” And this is news to me since, as I mentioned before, I’m watching them on FaceTime. I guess that’s babysitting in the modern era! I mean they knew how to swim. And if one of them started to drown I had my phone right there to call 911… (Jk they weren’t swimming. But they were fighting with knives! After I suggested it…)

I was out drinking with friends in Minnesota recently and I asked one of my more tipsy friends if she was going to be good to drive home, and she replied, “oh don’t worry, I switched to White Claw” which I guess is water in Minnesota.

If I ever heard a noise in my apartment and thought there was an intruder do you want to know what I’d do to that son of biotch!?!? Absolutely nothing. Not. A. Thing. Nope. Not going to investigate. Not now, not ever. That’s just out of my pay grade. Frankly, none of my business. I can either go down the hall and get attacked now, or get a few more minutes of sleep in. And I always choose more sleep when given the choice.

I think there should be a lane on every highway devoted explicitly to people wearing pigtails. And a lane for people with very bad eyesight. Honestly, they could be the same lane. I’m fine with that.

Whenever I play scrabble I like to come prepared with several strands of red yarn. That way if I spell a word wrong I can just put some red yarn under that baby and I’m good to go.

THANK YOU FOR READING! I’d love if you left a comment and let me know what jokes you liked, and if you had any tags too. Or just any thoughts. THANK YOU SO MUCH! <3

AND DON’T FORGET I HOST A COMEDY WRITING COLLECTIVE!

The Squirrel Club Agenda!

Writing Zoom hangsare now ONCE a month! The first Sunday of the month. And the next Zoom writing hang will be Sunday, November 3rd, @ 7pm Pacific / 9pm Central

I also go live on Instagram, every Tuesday @ 7pm Pacific / 9pm Central. Join in for writing prompts, silliness, and writing games.

To stay in the loop, join my mailing list!

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You can also support my comedy adventures on Patreon, and help me start a podcast!

https://patreon.com/TheSquirrelClubAgenda

Pretty cool.

And speaking of cool stuff, here are my upcoming comedy shows!

UPCOMING SHOWS:

LOS ANGELES, CA
Oct 12th - Trigger Warning at The Glendale Room
Oct 17th - Sketchshow! Beef! At the Clubhouse w/Andy Rider
Oct 18th - Greg Berman Tattoo Parlor Show
Oct 24th - Sketchshow! Get Your Act Together w/Andy Rider
Nov 16th - Jokeback Mountain @ Best Comedy Club Near Me

MINNESOTA
Nov 27-30th - Featuring at ACME w/ Tommy Ryman