From Burnt Popcorn to Football

10 brand new jokes from comedian Andy Erikson!

How does she do it!? Well, I just do. I type up the jokes and then I share them. Every week. Like some sort of machine. A human joke machine. Be careful, or I will take over the world. But until then! Here’s a picture of me smelling my armpit on top of a building. YOU MUST ENJOY LOOKING AT THIS! Then, read my jokes, maybe join my online comedy group… come to a live show! The possibilities are… well not endless. But there sure are a few possibilities!

AND NOW! That hot picture of me:

Smells SO GOOD! And now I smell some jokes:

10 NEW JOKES RIGHT HERE:

Homeowners should be legally required to disclose how many times they burnt popcorn in the microwave.
I don’t want to live in a house haunted by corn.

I’d like to address the elephant in the room.
(Puts pants and a shirt on the elephant.)

You know how you can put medicine inside treats so you can get your pet to take it?
That’s what vitamin gummies are for humans.
I hate taking vitamins. But I love treats…

I’m trying to cultivate a persona of toxic femininity.
That’s why I wear two bras at the same time and smile at construction workers.

The pizza delivery place sends me more messages that they miss me than my mom does.

I like calling my friends at reasonable times during the day and leaving sober voicemails.
Just saying sober things like “Roth IRA” and “internment camps.”

I was in a rock band in middle school and we called ourselves 311. It was a combination of our favorite numbers.
We had no idea that the name was already taken.
When we found out we just changed our band name to 312…
We broke up shortly after.

I love the satisfying crackling sound a vacuum makes when it sucks up everything you once believed in but now know is an utter and complete fairy tale told by those in power to quell the 99% into a false sense of peace and an inability to achieve justice.
And also bits of sand. That sounds nice too.

My comedy career is going so good that I’m promoting that I’ll be at an open mic.

A haunted house, but it’s just the camera guy during the football game who gets a little too creative with the camera angles.

NOW CHECK OUT MY ONLINE COMEDY WRITING GROUP!

Are you an aspiring comedian? Or an uninspiring comedian? WELL! I’ve started a standup comedy writing group called The Squirrel Club Agenda! We meet every Tuesday on Zoom to write and share jokes and hang. It’s pretty dang fun. To learn more, join an online writing meetup and/or support the cause, check it out here! I would love love love your support or attendance!

https://patreon.com/TheSquirrelClubAgenda

And speaking of cool stuff, here are my upcoming comedy shows!

UPCOMING SHOWS:

LOS ANGELES, CA
El Segundo - Recession Proof Comedy - July 31
Burbank Comedy Fest - August 10th and 13th

SAN DIEGO, CA
Comedy Heights, San Diego - Aug 30-31

LOS ANGELES, CA
Trigger Warning - Sep 14th

MINNESOTA
Various gigs, Minneapolis - Sep 26-28

WISCONSIN
The Plus, Eau Claire, WI - Sep 29

LOS ANGELES, CA
Jokeback Mountain - Nov 16th

MINNESOTA
Featuring at ACME w/ Tommy Ryman - Nov 27-30th

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